A useful question in inner child work is not simply:
“What happened to me?”
It is:
“What did I learn to expect because of what happened to me?”
The distinction is significant.
A parent who was frequently unavailable may have unintentionally taught a child that important people disappear.
A household in which emotions were consistently dismissed may have taught a child that vulnerability creates discomfort.
A highly demanding family may have taught a child that mistakes threaten belonging.
An environment of constant praise may have taught a child that being exceptional is preferable to being ordinary.
The event is one thing.
The meaning extracted from the event is another.
And that meaning may survive long after the event itself has ended.
This is why two adults can experience the same present situation and respond in dramatically different ways.
One person receives constructive criticism and thinks, “I can improve.”
Another hears, “I am disappointing you.”
One person experiences a partner requesting space and thinks, “They probably need some time.”
Another hears, “They are leaving me.”
One person makes a mistake and thinks, “That did not work. I will try again.”
Another thinks, “I should have known better. What is wrong with me?”
The present event is real.
But the emotional intensity may be partly supplied by an older interpretation.
The adult is responding to today through meanings that may have been constructed many years ago.
excerpts from the book, "The Child Inside The Adult" available on amazon.
